The holidays are finally over, it was a hard season for me and I am ready to start over, a new year, new beginnings. I am getting ready to go spend some time with my family. Bring in the new year with the love of my family surrounding me and my girls. Of course with every new year you start thinking, what do I want to do different, what do I want to change, make better, what will your word for the year be or what are your new years resolutions.
Well last night I went out with close friends of mine, family really and in the mist of playing pool and video games and all that I start balling. Yes, at that moment my emotions decided to take over and say forget this, we can’t handle it anymore. I tried my best to control it but the tears would not stop flowing, the flood gates were open and man there was a lot pent up. I look at myself, getting ready to start a whole new year and man, I am not where I want to be at almost 41 years of age. As I cried and tried to express myself which ironically I am not very good at, vocally expressing myself. I feel… feelings/emotions, I don’t think of words to describe what I am going through, it’s a feeling, a hurt or what have you. It’s what’s going on inside me, what is stirring up and man, it’s so hard for me to put that into words. So that makes it hard for people who love me to know what I am going through. I stutter, I am quiet but my face tells it all. But at that moment, I have 2 amazing people looking at me with concern in their eyes trying to help me and I feel like I speak another language, not knowing how to talk, how to say what I am going through. How can they help me? How do I tell them that I need them, their love, their touch/hugs, their thoughts, their way of looking at things. How do I express what I am going through? I have a lot to learn this coming year, how to live this new life of mine, how to make it mine, to discover myself again, what do I like, what do I want to do more of, what makes me happy and how to vocally express myself better.
Please know I appreciate you all so very much. Thank you for following me this year as I start a whole new life. May you have an amazing New Year! See you in 2015! xoxoxo