Navigating Through Life

I’m learning to navigate through life. Yes, things never stay the same and change always happens but my life now is completely different than it was lets say 2 years ago. Nothing is familiar, nothing feels like home, I don’t have that sense of belonging anywhere. I’m finding myself trying to make sense of it all. Trying to figure out what my next steps are, what my purpose in life is, other than being a mother to two amazing girls. What else is there? How does one navigate through these new terrains without feeling a sense of being lost, alone, forgotten, muddled. How does one muster up the strength to continue on without knowing what is ahead, with out knowing what you are striving for. I’m faced with these feelings every day. I try to make sense of it all, I try to figure it all out, I try to organize it, to make a plan of attack, to get myself straight but at the end of each day I am no closer to where I started. How does one let go of past hurts, of chords that are attached to you that are only harmful. I’m finding myself on this rollercoaster, one moment I feel good, strong, like I can conquer this, I can get past this lull in my life and get to that next phase and then other days I am in deep despair and feel so lost. Today is one of those days. I’m a problem solver, I’m a person when presented with something I like to think on it from many angles and figure out the bast way to go about it. But this, this way of feeling, this new life has me conflicted. I’m desperately trying to find answers that resonates with me, that feel good and I sit here and wonder, are there really answers? Can this be fixed or is this something to experience, to look at, to feel and taste, to smell and live, to relish in no matter how painful so when I do come out on the other side I am so much better because of it. Am I to learn patience (which I have close to none of), am I to learn what I am really made of. I know I am made of strong shit, I know I am a fighter and I will fight to the bitter end. I do believe in myself, I do know that there is something out there for me, that I am bound to do great things, I just know it. So why suffer like this? Oh the words that have been popping in my head from the start of writing this is Trust and Believe. I have this tattoo on my arm, it’s of a sunflower and the word believe. It’s there to remind me to Trust, to Believe in myself, that I am strong. You see, when I was in my deepest state of depression and sitting outside for a week straight staring a a tree, I also had this sunflower that I had planted earlier that year. I love sunflowers. And during that week I noticed how even when it was cloudy out, even where there was no light to lead the way, that beautiful sunflower still turned toward that hidden sun. That sunflower had trust, it had strength, it believed and then it bloomed. So here I am, that sunflower, doing my best to look up at the cloudy, stormy skies, facing that hidden light knowing that someday it will break through and fill me.




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