My Vulnerability

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Its been a long and hard June for me and I am welcoming July with open arms. I have been struggling a lot lately and I have blogged a little bit about it but hey why not go all the way right? I am hoping to express my struggles in turn to help anyone else who is a single mom out there who feels lonely and lost like I do. I’m not writing this for attention, no, if you know me at all that is the last thing I want. I sit here knowing that all things happen for a reason and maybe one of my reasons is to help others. You see, June was a huge struggle for me, especially with being a single mother and also being an introvert. I have been the sole person in my kids life all month. Due to work and the way things fell my ex had the girls for 2 days in June. Which didn’t give me the break I need. My personality is to grin and bare it. To keep all that I feel and I am going through inside and push it as far down as possible. This blog has been helping me share my struggle and fears and try to find solutions. I have been craving so many things lately, I have been craving adult conversations (meaning not conversations with my kids but with adults), being heard, wanting to be seen, to feel loved and wanted, to not be interrupted every 5 min when I am trying to work, to feel like a person not only a mom (which is wonderful don’t get me wrong but there is much more to me that is also getting pushed down) I crave an artist community where I live, to be able to sit and talk to other artists, to share and explore together. I’ve been missing a few things lately too, I have been missing those conversations I would have with my ex, those conversations about my life, where I want to go, what I want to do, what I want to be. I miss that connection, knowing that someone cares and wants to know more about me. I am not one to give up information about myself, I am not used to having to just start talking about what I want, I am not comfortable doing that and I need to start doing it because this loneliness I have been feeling is starting to get unbearable. My emotions are on overdrive and trying to keep everything in check has been hard. I am a single mom, I really didn’t know what that meant or how that felt until I became one. Its not easy to say the least. It makes you see how you really do need 2 parents to help raise a child. Not just for the child but also for the sanity of the adult.

What do I want to do with my life? Why am I here? What is my purpose? Why is it that people who know me have such faith in me, have unwavering thoughts that I am going to do it, that I am talented and smart and will achieve all that I put my mind to and why don’t I see it? Will I ever see it? Am I supposed to see it? How does one develop that trust and belief in oneself? How does one just do it? I have been trying, believe me, i have been trying but lately its been getting harder and harder. I think part of that is because I am tired, its all starting to pile up and I need that time to get out and play. Lucky for me July will be be that time for play. Lots and lots of play. My kids will be off visiting both grandparents and their father in July which for me means time to recoup. Time to put some time into myself and play, explore and create. Create! There is another thing that has been heavy on my heart. I have hardly painting this year, hardly painted at all and its starting to really bother me. I have 3 canvas’s that have been activated and started and another 1 that is half way done. all waiting patiently for me to give them some love and time. I originally started this blog to talk about my art, to talk about my process and how I work and do things but it started to have a life of its own.

Anyway I sit here feeling scattered, feeling vulnerable, feeling lost and not knowing how to fix it. Not knowing what to do, how to do it. I journal, I journal daily and I end up asking the same questions and expressing the same things. How do I get past this? How do I muster up the confidence and strength to do what is in my mind but has been slowly been pushed aside.

What do you see when you look at me, what do you see? What do I want you to see when you look at me? What am I striving for? I want you to see someone who is courageous, someone who works hard, loves hard and will do anything for you. I want to be confident, I want to be someone you feel comfortable around, someone you want to be with, someone who can teach and be taught. I want to be approachable, beautiful, caring, loving, and strong. I want to be creative, to be able to express myself through my art and touch others through my art. Weakness is a fear of mine, I don’t want to be seen as weak, but strong and capable. Not sure if I fit that bill at the moment.

I sit here now wondering if I even post this. I wrote what is in my heart but how does it come across? I don’t want to come across as complaining, or wanting attention. What do I want? I want to be heard. I want to feel like I am a part of something greater than myself. I want to break free from this loneliness. I want others to see that it’s not all fun and games, that life is messy, that this is part of it, that maybe its normal to feel like this. But do I post this? Is this too much to share? After much debate today and confiding in a friend, as you can see I have posted it for you all to read.  In my hearts of hearts I hope somehow this lifts someone up, helps when you are in your loneliness of times. Thank you for listening and following me through this time in my life. I am truly lucky to have such a community to turn to. xoxox

2 thoughts on “My Vulnerability

  1. Jennifer Sider

    Oh sweetheart, you are not alone! I am sending you so many hugs and support! I have the opposite end of the spectrum. I’m not always able to see my child when I want to. Luckily, this week is all week!!! She is about to turn 16. I have no family where I live in IL. All my family is in MA. So it is really hard sometimes to draw the line and not share everything with the lovely people I work with. I wish I could come into your shoes, but then again I don’t paint the beautiful images that you do. I can do music, but not any other form of art. Anytime you need to talk, I am here :). Just reach out to me…PM me on FB. You are doing beautiful things that express who you are! I am sure you are a good mother as well! I know it is hard to be strong for everybody, but you are doing an awesome job! Stay strong Mama Bear <3 <3


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