My house is like my very own gallery, I have my work up everywhere. Even with them being up and seeing them daily I never really look at them. This past weekend I was in my living room staring at the wall that holds my 3 most favorite paintings. 3 paintings I am not sure I will ever be able to part with. 3 paintings that was truly intuitive, where my phoenix was born, they foretold my future. While I was painting the first one I felt like I had already painted it once before, that was one of the only times I ever had that feeling while painting. The first one is called Set Free which is 30” x 40”… showed me my husband at the time flying away from the nest. Wanting to be free from me and the life we built together. The second one called Returning which is 36” x 36” showed me how he was waffling on what to do. He didn’t know if he wanted to come back/stay married or if he would take that branch that was way closer to him, to truly leave and make it final. The third painting is called Solitude which is 24” x 36” which showed me being alone, but even though he had left I would be OK. I would be surrounded with beauty and love. I am still trying to figure out why I am blue in this one since he was blue in the other 2. But that is beside the point.
So I am staring at them, taking them in and getting overwhelmed. How can I ever paint like that again? How did I do it? How did those 3 paintings come out of me? How can I take that way of painting and teach it. Who am I to think I can do this, who would really want to learn from me. My demons were in full force. I was lucky to have someone there with me to help chase those demons away. But today is another day and guess what, they are back. I know I am not the only one who has had these thoughts. I have read other artists blogs talking about the same thing, the same feelings, no matter how long you have done this you wonder if you will be able to continue to produce beautiful soulful art.
It’s the whole idea of how I/we create art that is hard for me to grasp sometimes. There are no steps really, there is no formula that you follow every time. 1+1 doesn’t always equal 2. Its not like math or science or many other areas where you get the same results each and every time. Yes, teachers who teach art have broken it down into steps but if you do those steps each and every time, you will come out with something different. That is the beauty of it. Its all about feeling, emotion, pouring your heart and soul out onto that canvas. It’s being brave, taking risks, being vulnerable, baring it all and then putting it out there for everyone to see. For anyone to like it or not, it’s so subjective. Sometimes its very hard for me to grasp, to take a hold of and understand it.
Maybe its not something to understand and I need to just trust. Trust in my process, trust I am where I am supposed to be. Trust that I can do this, that I am the way I am (an emotional empath) because I am an artist. So this week I will work on my inner demons that are not serving me. I will move on like I always do. I will try to take off the added pressure I have bestowed onto myself that is also not serving me.
The reason why I felt like sharing this today was to show that we all have insecurities, we all have demons that we fight. I guess the big lesson here is how we move past those insecurities. How we move on despite the what our inner demons are telling us.
I leave you with this question.. How do you get past your insecurities? What do you do to push them aside and move on with confidence? Please share below, I would love to hear from you. Maybe together we can get past our insecurities together.