There I was, in spin class working away, climbing a high hill when out of no where I got inspired. Inspired to pick back up my blog. To share what has been going on with me and my future goals for this blog.
You see, when I started this blog a little over a year ago my goals for it was to show you my painting process, share with you how I do things, show you the progress of my work. It was to inspire you, whether or not you consider yourself creative (I believe we all are creative), to inspire you to get out and do something that you love, something that fills you soul, puts that twinkle in your eye, makes you excited. In the process life happened and I started blogging about what was going on in my life, my journey with my divorce, my depression, my anxiety, my struggles and my successes. In hopes to help others, to inspire you in different ways. In between all that I did sprinkle in pieces on my art and my process.
With that all being said, I have not written in a while because I got caught up in what I wanted this blog to be. I did not see it as what it was becoming. I got caught up in the fact that I have hardly painted this year. I maybe painted a small handful of times. I became my own worst critic, which is so easy to do. I was telling myself what I should be doing, what I should be feeling, how I should be painting at least 3 times a week, I should want to paint, I should this and I should feel that. I was embarrassed that I have not done any of it. I felt like I was letting everyone down. I was letting everyone down who has supported me in this painting venture, who look forward to seeing my work, who love my work, who support me. And the last thing I want to do is disappoint.
But I had to take a step back. I had to have conversations with good friends, look at this in a different way because what I was trying to do was not working. First of all I was not looking at how far I had come. In January I was in a very dark place, thoughts of suicide crossed my mind often and it scared me. That was 9 months ago. 9 short months ago but honestly, January feels like a lifetime ago. In those 9 months so many things happened. The girls and I lived in our new home for a year, I reached the 1 year mark of the divorce, I started a mission to get myself back, to work on my health, I started coming out of the fog, I’ve had art shows, sold paintings, inspired others along the way. 9 months later, I am in a much better place now than I have been in years. Years! So what was wrong? First of all I was not seeing that wow, I have come a long way. As I look at how far I have come, I am very grateful for the friends in my life who have helped me and supported me along the way. For they have helped me in more ways than they could ever know. And you know what, I am still on that journey of healing, I am not all better, I still have little demons that pop up about my ex. I am over him, but I am still not over what he did. I have anger that I am working through. It seems to keep on popping up with each new situation. I’m also trying to unprogram the thoughts I always had about how my life was going to be. You think life is going one way and nope, lets take a complete 360 degree turn here, now GO. Patience, there is a lesson that I am constantly trying to learn. I need to be patient with myself, with my progress, with my life.
So recently I have been having conversations with friends about what was “wrong” with me. I need to paint, I need to get back into it. My paintings are selling, I need to create more. I have to do this, I have to feel a certain way and I’m not. The truth is, I don’t feel it right now. Its not in me at the moment, I don’t have that desire to paint, draw, sketch and I am going to have to be ok with that. It will come, I need to be patient. You see, when I sat and thought about it, when I think of painting I think of painting to sell, not painting for me. And you know what, the best work comes out when you painting or creating for you. I will work on the act of playing again, exploring, seeing where it takes me. Because I know I am not done here, I know I have a lot more to offer.
Oh! Then there is teaching! I can’t forget that. I started creating this program, Painting from the Soul, and it got put aside mid summer. I plan on picking it up again, working at it at my own pace. While I was creating it there was something missing and I will work on figuring out that missing piece. Launch it when its ready. How? I have no idea, I want to work on the program first and then figure out the how. I think playing again will help.
So a conversation recently goes like this: Me: there is something wrong with me, I am not painting, I don’t have that desire, that spark to paint. What is wrong?… Friend: So what have you done for you, what are you doing to fill your well, to show yourself some love… I’m working out, I’m journaling… What else? nothing… and 4.5 hours later we are still at the restaurant talking.
So yea, I am much healthier now than I have been in years. I am working hard on the physical part of me. But I was not working on the inside. The spiritual side of me. I am not sure I ever had really loved myself, loved who I was, loved me. Maybe parts here and there but not every part of me. I am always the first to love another, to be there for them, to support, to encourage, anything really. But why not do that for me? Why not me? Ahhhh so here is the the root to the dilemma. Yes it has taken me a while to get here. So then I have the question How??? I ask, how do I get there, how do I love me? How can I do this with out knowing how? Which sparked another conversation about how everyone is different. Its different for everyone. Oh how I hate that answer! Took me back to when the girls were babies and I would ask what to do for a certain problem and the answer was always, every baby is different, you have to see what works for her. ARGH! LOL!!! But where to start, I’m lost, I feel lost, have been feeling lost for a bit now and then I figure this out and I am even more lost. Then she says this to me… We are are all a work in progress. Why, yes we are. That made me feel much better. I felt like such a hot mess at this point.
So it was then suggested to me to meditate, meditate every day and the funny part about that, I did not like that. Every day? How long? Well I do it for an hour… AN HOUR? Ok, you start with 10-15 min not an hour but yes, every day, it will give me the chance to listen to me, listen to what I need. So I started and the fist day I was so anxious, wanting to do it just right. No I will never learn. So I have started this new practice to my daily routine. Granted I am only on day 2 so I don’t have much to report. I shall let you know how it goes. Time to trust my intuition more, believe in magic and all that comes with it.
So I leave you here at the beginning of my story. I leave you at the beginning of my self discovery, the search and release of my inner goddess, my journey inside. To see who I am, what I am made of, to get parts of me back that I seem to have lost along the way. I hope you continue to join me on my journey. This blog may end up back to where I originally wanted it to go but right now it will continue be more about my life, my journey and I will continue to be as open and real as possible with you. I don’t plan on posting ever week like I did before. I am thinking more on the lines of once a month unless something big happens and I just have to share. Love to you all. xoxoxo