Hello! I am going to apologize now about how long this is but please hang with me. I have a lot of catching up to do. I have put this blog on hold since the holidays. I was struggling with a lot. My divorce never felt as real as it did during the holidays. I never felt as alone as I did then. My depression was coming back in full force and I didn’t realize it. I figured I would start writing again come the New Year. Well that didn’t happen. I was dealing with scary thoughts, not being motivated to do anything, staring at the wall for hours, getting my depression under control. Mid January I started a new medication and after some tweaking I am happy to say it is just what I needed! I was also struggling with what to write. What do you want to hear about, what do I want to share? In the past I had shared my thoughts and feelings about my divorce. Along with my paintings and adventures. Well since the holidays I have not painted. I have come face to face with an internal block, artist block, what ever you want to call it. I know I need to start painting again, that all I need to do is show up, get in front of a canvas and put paint on it. Get the juices started again. So why don’t I do it? Why do I find a million other things to do with my time? I don’t know that answer. My house is my gallery; I have my paintings all over the place. I look at them daily. And as I look at them I think to myself… How did I do that? How did I get those marks, how did I get that feel, how did I get those colors just right? I don’t know the answer. Then I think to myself, I’ve used up all of my talent, that there is nothing else, how can I paint anything better than this… Not very positive thoughts and most likely not true. Do you know what I mean? Have you ever thought this? I can’t be the only one but it feels that way. So I hang on to the thought that its OK to have a break. It gives me time to think about where I want this creative career to go and how to do it. And I will take you along with me as I move forward.
One day in Feb. I came across Malik’s blog. He is a writer and his site 10 Minute Rule is a blog of his thoughts each day. On Feb. 5, 2015 he wrote about his divorce. Why he shares it with everyone and it hit home with me and had me thinking. Why do I share this, I come from a family who keeps their feelings and family affairs very private. And I came to the realization that I share it because maybe somehow by sharing what I am going through it will help someone. To let you know you’re not alone. Or maybe help someone who has a friend who is going through the same thing. So as I move forward I will continue to write about what I am going through, struggles and successes. And hopefully through it all, I may help someone. Whether it’s through their art, being inspired, getting new ideas or help deal with a tragic event like divorce. It feels good to be back. See you next week! xoxox
The holidays are finally over, it was a hard season for me and I am ready to start over, a new year, new beginnings. I am getting ready to go spend some time with my family. Bring in the new year with the love of my family surrounding me and my girls. Of course with every new year you start thinking, what do I want to do different, what do I want to change, make better, what will your word for the year be or what are your new years resolutions.
Well last night I went out with close friends of mine, family really and in the mist of playing pool and video games and all that I start balling. Yes, at that moment my emotions decided to take over and say forget this, we can’t handle it anymore. I tried my best to control it but the tears would not stop flowing, the flood gates were open and man there was a lot pent up. I look at myself, getting ready to start a whole new year and man, I am not where I want to be at almost 41 years of age. As I cried and tried to express myself which ironically I am not very good at, vocally expressing myself. I feel… feelings/emotions, I don’t think of words to describe what I am going through, it’s a feeling, a hurt or what have you. It’s what’s going on inside me, what is stirring up and man, it’s so hard for me to put that into words. So that makes it hard for people who love me to know what I am going through. I stutter, I am quiet but my face tells it all. But at that moment, I have 2 amazing people looking at me with concern in their eyes trying to help me and I feel like I speak another language, not knowing how to talk, how to say what I am going through. How can they help me? How do I tell them that I need them, their love, their touch/hugs, their thoughts, their way of looking at things. How do I express what I am going through? I have a lot to learn this coming year, how to live this new life of mine, how to make it mine, to discover myself again, what do I like, what do I want to do more of, what makes me happy and how to vocally express myself better.
Please know I appreciate you all so very much. Thank you for following me this year as I start a whole new life. May you have an amazing New Year! See you in 2015! xoxoxo
This past weekend I was in Biloxi Mississippi for a tattoo convention, Due South Tattoo Expo. They had artists from all over in this one spot. I drove from Atlanta on Thursday so I can get mine finished by an artist I absolutely love, Ivana Belakova, and who lives in CA. She worked on me Friday (7 hours) and I drove home Sat. Depending on traffic it took 7-8 hours. I made this same drive a year ago when she was a guest artist at Twisted Anchor Tattoo in Ocean Springs. Her work is like no other, a real artist. I had to make this trip, it was my 40th birthday gift to me and I turn 41 come January. Anyway, it got me thinking about what makes an artist. I paint in my studio, with all of my paint and what ever I may need. And I work in acrylics and use many layers so if I don’t like something I can paint over it no problem, no big deal… but a tattoo artist, now that is the real deal. First of all you need to have a steady hand, talent and confidence and then inflict pain on someone while you are trying to create (yes it does hurt) and what you create is permanent, no redos, no bad days, no oops. And who you work on has complete trust in you and you have to be on your best that day and every day. Wow, I know I couldn’t handle that pressure. These artists are bad asses in my eyes. I know not everyone likes tattoos, you either like it or hate it, but even if your in that not so into it camp you have to give the tattoo artist credit. That is talent and I saw some amazing work while at the convention. Stuff I couldn’t do on paper let alone on a person who you know is not sitting still.
Then at the end of the day I entered the tattoo into a competition and we won First Place in the New School Fresh category. When the judges saw it they absolutely loved it too. I had other artist come to me in awe of Ivana and her talent. It was such a fun experience.
These photos are not the best but will give you the idea of the talent Ivana has. When I first saw her I told her I wanted a sunflower and the word believe and that was it, I wanted it to be in her style which I love. I love the idea of having art on my body, something I live and breath. I came home from the trip and started painting and noticed on my glass their was paint, I also noticed while driving for 8 hours their was paint on my steering wheel, there is usually paint on my nails and on my clothes. Its part of me and now on me.
If your curious on why I wanted a sunflower and the word believe is to remind myself how I was in a deep depression, where I couldn’t’ see the light but a sunflower, which is my favorite flower, points to the sun, even if its cloudy, they know where the light is and faces it. It always sees the light and shows me that I too can see the light and I finally did and started climbing my way out of that depression. I still am but I am in a much better place now. The word believe was my word for that year. I have jewelry and lots of other things that say believe on it to remind myself to believe in Me. That i can do it no matter what comes my way, I am strong. If your curious my word for this year is strength and wow did that sum up what I needed this year. Not sure what next years word will be, I’ll decide that in January. Love to you all!
A close friend of mine, Nya, wrote this on her FB page, “I once said, “heartache must be the most beautiful pain”…I was right. To love or to have loved someone so completely that being apart from them causes a deep physical ache in your chest, like your heart has a hole in it and your very soul feels empty….is incredible. The pain will subside and by the grace of God, the emptiness will be filled with new joys later….but to imagine never having a love like that in the first place is the greatest tragedy.”
And wow that made me think. So far this holiday season has been very hard on me. Thanksgiving was just me and my girls, getting a tree and going through all the motions that we once did as a family, going through all of the ornaments and then there is the week of Christmas which I will be without my girls (totally not looking forward to that). But Nya wrote this about heartache and as I look back she is totally right, I wouldn’t do it any different. We had an amazing love that I guess ran its course. Yes I hurt but what would it be like to go through life not feeling that love. I’m not trying to glamorize feeling hurt, believe me if I could feel no pain right now I would take it. But what a way to look at a loss of a relationship. I must remember this with every relationship, past, present and future. I am grateful for all of you. For the spark, the fire, the excitement and the loss. Thank you Nya for showing me that I can be grateful for what happens when I put my heart out in the open.
To update you on my last post, here is the piece i was having trouble with, I am finding that with life being a struggle so are my paitnings. But I was able to finish this one. 48″x36” Still needing a name.