Navigating Through Life

I’m learning to navigate through life. Yes, things never stay the same and change always happens but my life now is completely different than it was lets say 2 years ago. Nothing is familiar, nothing feels like home, I don’t have that sense of belonging anywhere. I’m finding myself trying to make sense of it all. Trying to figure out what my next steps are, what my purpose in life is, other than being a mother to two amazing girls. What else is there? How does one navigate through these new terrains without feeling a sense of being lost, alone, forgotten, muddled. How does one muster up the strength to continue on without knowing what is ahead, with out knowing what you are striving for. I’m faced with these feelings every day. I try to make sense of it all, I try to figure it all out, I try to organize it, to make a plan of attack, to get myself straight but at the end of each day I am no closer to where I started. How does one let go of past hurts, of chords that are attached to you that are only harmful. I’m finding myself on this rollercoaster, one moment I feel good, strong, like I can conquer this, I can get past this lull in my life and get to that next phase and then other days I am in deep despair and feel so lost. Today is one of those days. I’m a problem solver, I’m a person when presented with something I like to think on it from many angles and figure out the bast way to go about it. But this, this way of feeling, this new life has me conflicted. I’m desperately trying to find answers that resonates with me, that feel good and I sit here and wonder, are there really answers? Can this be fixed or is this something to experience, to look at, to feel and taste, to smell and live, to relish in no matter how painful so when I do come out on the other side I am so much better because of it. Am I to learn patience (which I have close to none of), am I to learn what I am really made of. I know I am made of strong shit, I know I am a fighter and I will fight to the bitter end. I do believe in myself, I do know that there is something out there for me, that I am bound to do great things, I just know it. So why suffer like this? Oh the words that have been popping in my head from the start of writing this is Trust and Believe. I have this tattoo on my arm, it’s of a sunflower and the word believe. It’s there to remind me to Trust, to Believe in myself, that I am strong. You see, when I was in my deepest state of depression and sitting outside for a week straight staring a a tree, I also had this sunflower that I had planted earlier that year. I love sunflowers. And during that week I noticed how even when it was cloudy out, even where there was no light to lead the way, that beautiful sunflower still turned toward that hidden sun. That sunflower had trust, it had strength, it believed and then it bloomed. So here I am, that sunflower, doing my best to look up at the cloudy, stormy skies, facing that hidden light knowing that someday it will break through and fill me.

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The Whisper of Inspiration

1352324320-24I am sitting here thinking about all that has happened this past month, my struggles along with the many emotions that have flowed through me and the one thing that seems to want to be expressed is this…

Inspiration is starting to knock at my door once again. I recognize the feeling, I can sense it, feel it, I know its there. I can feel it in my heart, in my chest, in my bones, a feeling I have missed dearly and excited to feel once again. I want to nurture it, love it, bring it back to life. What is inspiration and how does it present itself? I am intrigued. What is it trying to tell me. What does it want me to do. I need more direction if you may. I can’t ignore it because it will go away. Wouldn’t you, if someone ignored you I am sure you would eventually walk away.

So now the challenge is how to get over myself, how to get past my perfectionist self. Honestly, I hate that about myself, the way I need to do everything perfect, get it just right, it stifles me, it stops me from doing what I want, what I need. I tend to want to do lots of research, striving to get things right the first time and fret over the tiny little details. I want to loosen up, to just do it, let go of all that holds me back and GO. What magic could be had with that release of all that holds me back.

Being a perfectionist is not a good quality to have, at least in my opinion. Nothing is perfect, nothing, no one, nada, so why oh why do I strive for it? Yes, its good to do your best and work hard at something but perfection? It doesn’t exist. Nothing is perfect, we live in an imperfect world. So why do I get so caught up in it? I am the first person to tell my girls to do their best, that is all anyone can ask for. It doesn’t matter if you get it all right or that its perfect, as long as you know you did your best, that is all that matters. So why am I different? Why do I have such high standards for myself? Why do I expect the unattainable from me? Why the pressure?

So as I sit here with inspiration whispering in my ear I fear I will choke it and demand too much from it, from me. I need to take things slow, ease back into it. Start the conversation with play, curiosity and exploration.

So my challenge now, today, this next month is to loosen up, let all of my expectations go, release all of that unwanted pressure I put upon myself. To finally sit down, push this unattainable perfectionism aside and create.

So inspiration this is for you, I hear you, I feel you, please don’t leave, be patient with me and lets make magic again.

Work in Progress

IMG_6928There I was, in spin class working away, climbing a high hill when out of no where I got inspired. Inspired to pick back up my blog. To share what has been going on with me and my future goals for this blog.

You see, when I started this blog a little over a year ago my goals for it was to show you my painting process, share with you how I do things, show you the progress of my work. It was to inspire you, whether or not you consider yourself creative (I believe we all are creative), to inspire you to get out and do something that you love, something that fills you soul, puts that twinkle in your eye, makes you excited. In the process life happened and I started blogging about what was going on in my life, my journey with my divorce, my depression, my anxiety, my struggles and my successes. In hopes to help others, to inspire you in different ways. In between all that I did sprinkle in pieces on my art and my process.

With that all being said, I have not written in a while because I got caught up in what I wanted this blog to be. I did not see it as what it was becoming. I got caught up in the fact that I have hardly painted this year. I maybe painted a small handful of times. I became my own worst critic, which is so easy to do. I was telling myself what I should be doing, what I should be feeling, how I should be painting at least 3 times a week, I should want to paint, I should this and I should feel that. I was embarrassed that I have not done any of it. I felt like I was letting everyone down. I was letting everyone down who has supported me in this painting venture, who look forward to seeing my work, who love my work, who support me. And the last thing I want to do is disappoint.

But I had to take a step back. I had to have conversations with good friends, look at this in a different way because what I was trying to do was not working. First of all I was not looking at how far I had come. In January I was in a very dark place, thoughts of suicide crossed my mind often and it scared me. That was 9 months ago. 9 short months ago but honestly, January feels like a lifetime ago. In those 9 months so many things happened. The girls and I lived in our new home for a year, I reached the 1 year mark of the divorce, I started a mission to get myself back, to work on my health, I started coming out of the fog, I’ve had art shows, sold paintings, inspired others along the way. 9 months later, I am in a much better place now than I have been in years. Years! So what was wrong? First of all I was not seeing that wow, I have come a long way. As I look at how far I have come, I am very grateful for the friends in my life who have helped me and supported me along the way. For they have helped me in more ways than they could ever know. And you know what, I am still on that journey of healing, I am not all better, I still have little demons that pop up about my ex. I am over him, but I am still not over what he did. I have anger that I am working through. It seems to keep on popping up with each new situation. I’m also trying to unprogram the thoughts I always had about how my life was going to be. You think life is going one way and nope, lets take a complete 360 degree turn here, now GO. Patience, there is a lesson that I am constantly trying to learn. I need to be patient with myself, with my progress, with my life.

So recently I have been having conversations with friends about what was “wrong” with me. I need to paint, I need to get back into it. My paintings are selling, I need to create more. I have to do this, I have to feel a certain way and I’m not. The truth is, I don’t feel it right now. Its not in me at the moment, I don’t have that desire to paint, draw, sketch and I am going to have to be ok with that. It will come, I need to be patient. You see, when I sat and thought about it, when I think of painting I think of painting to sell, not painting for me. And you know what, the best work comes out when you painting or creating for you. I will work on the act of playing again, exploring, seeing where it takes me. Because I know I am not done here, I know I have a lot more to offer.

Oh! Then there is teaching! I can’t forget that. I started creating this program, Painting from the Soul, and it got put aside mid summer. I plan on picking it up again, working at it at my own pace. While I was creating it there was something missing and I will work on figuring out that missing piece. Launch it when its ready. How? I have no idea, I want to work on the program first and then figure out the how. I think playing again will help.

So a conversation recently goes like this: Me: there is something wrong with me, I am not painting, I don’t have that desire, that spark to paint. What is wrong?… Friend: So what have you done for you, what are you doing to fill your well, to show yourself some love… I’m working out, I’m journaling… What else?  nothing… and 4.5 hours later we are still at the restaurant talking.

So yea, I am much healthier now than I have been in years. I am working hard on the physical part of me. But I was not working on the inside. The spiritual side of me. I am not sure I ever had really loved myself, loved who I was, loved me. Maybe parts here and there but not every part of me. I am always the first to love another, to be there for them, to support, to encourage, anything really. But why not do that for me? Why not me? Ahhhh so here is the the root to the dilemma. Yes it has taken me a while to get here. So then I have the question How??? I ask, how do I get there, how do I love me? How can I do this with out knowing how? Which sparked another conversation about how everyone is different. Its different for everyone. Oh how I hate that answer! Took me back to when the girls were babies and I would ask what to do for a certain problem and the answer was always, every baby is different, you have to see what works for her. ARGH! LOL!!! But where to start, I’m lost, I feel lost, have been feeling lost for a bit now and then I figure this out and I am even more lost. Then she says this to me… We are are all a work in progress. Why, yes we are. That made me feel much better. I felt like such a hot mess at this point.

So it was then suggested to me to meditate, meditate every day and the funny part about that, I did not like that. Every day? How long? Well I do it for an hour… AN HOUR? Ok, you start with 10-15 min not an hour but yes, every day, it will give me the chance to listen to me, listen to what I need. So I started and the fist day I was so anxious, wanting to do it just right. No I will never learn. So I have started this new practice to my daily routine. Granted I am only on day 2 so I don’t have much to report. I shall let you know how it goes. Time to trust my intuition more, believe in magic and all that comes with it.

So I leave you here at the beginning of my story. I leave you at the beginning of my self discovery, the search and release of my inner goddess, my journey inside. To see who I am, what I am made of, to get parts of me back that I seem to have lost along the way. I hope you continue to join me on my journey. This blog may end up back to where I originally wanted it to go but right now it will continue be more about my life, my journey and I will continue to be as open and real as possible with you. I don’t plan on posting ever week like I did before. I am thinking more on the lines of once a month unless something big happens and I just have to share. Love to you all. xoxoxo

My Vulnerability

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Its been a long and hard June for me and I am welcoming July with open arms. I have been struggling a lot lately and I have blogged a little bit about it but hey why not go all the way right? I am hoping to express my struggles in turn to help anyone else who is a single mom out there who feels lonely and lost like I do. I’m not writing this for attention, no, if you know me at all that is the last thing I want. I sit here knowing that all things happen for a reason and maybe one of my reasons is to help others. You see, June was a huge struggle for me, especially with being a single mother and also being an introvert. I have been the sole person in my kids life all month. Due to work and the way things fell my ex had the girls for 2 days in June. Which didn’t give me the break I need. My personality is to grin and bare it. To keep all that I feel and I am going through inside and push it as far down as possible. This blog has been helping me share my struggle and fears and try to find solutions. I have been craving so many things lately, I have been craving adult conversations (meaning not conversations with my kids but with adults), being heard, wanting to be seen, to feel loved and wanted, to not be interrupted every 5 min when I am trying to work, to feel like a person not only a mom (which is wonderful don’t get me wrong but there is much more to me that is also getting pushed down) I crave an artist community where I live, to be able to sit and talk to other artists, to share and explore together. I’ve been missing a few things lately too, I have been missing those conversations I would have with my ex, those conversations about my life, where I want to go, what I want to do, what I want to be. I miss that connection, knowing that someone cares and wants to know more about me. I am not one to give up information about myself, I am not used to having to just start talking about what I want, I am not comfortable doing that and I need to start doing it because this loneliness I have been feeling is starting to get unbearable. My emotions are on overdrive and trying to keep everything in check has been hard. I am a single mom, I really didn’t know what that meant or how that felt until I became one. Its not easy to say the least. It makes you see how you really do need 2 parents to help raise a child. Not just for the child but also for the sanity of the adult.

What do I want to do with my life? Why am I here? What is my purpose? Why is it that people who know me have such faith in me, have unwavering thoughts that I am going to do it, that I am talented and smart and will achieve all that I put my mind to and why don’t I see it? Will I ever see it? Am I supposed to see it? How does one develop that trust and belief in oneself? How does one just do it? I have been trying, believe me, i have been trying but lately its been getting harder and harder. I think part of that is because I am tired, its all starting to pile up and I need that time to get out and play. Lucky for me July will be be that time for play. Lots and lots of play. My kids will be off visiting both grandparents and their father in July which for me means time to recoup. Time to put some time into myself and play, explore and create. Create! There is another thing that has been heavy on my heart. I have hardly painting this year, hardly painted at all and its starting to really bother me. I have 3 canvas’s that have been activated and started and another 1 that is half way done. all waiting patiently for me to give them some love and time. I originally started this blog to talk about my art, to talk about my process and how I work and do things but it started to have a life of its own.

Anyway I sit here feeling scattered, feeling vulnerable, feeling lost and not knowing how to fix it. Not knowing what to do, how to do it. I journal, I journal daily and I end up asking the same questions and expressing the same things. How do I get past this? How do I muster up the confidence and strength to do what is in my mind but has been slowly been pushed aside.

What do you see when you look at me, what do you see? What do I want you to see when you look at me? What am I striving for? I want you to see someone who is courageous, someone who works hard, loves hard and will do anything for you. I want to be confident, I want to be someone you feel comfortable around, someone you want to be with, someone who can teach and be taught. I want to be approachable, beautiful, caring, loving, and strong. I want to be creative, to be able to express myself through my art and touch others through my art. Weakness is a fear of mine, I don’t want to be seen as weak, but strong and capable. Not sure if I fit that bill at the moment.

I sit here now wondering if I even post this. I wrote what is in my heart but how does it come across? I don’t want to come across as complaining, or wanting attention. What do I want? I want to be heard. I want to feel like I am a part of something greater than myself. I want to break free from this loneliness. I want others to see that it’s not all fun and games, that life is messy, that this is part of it, that maybe its normal to feel like this. But do I post this? Is this too much to share? After much debate today and confiding in a friend, as you can see I have posted it for you all to read.  In my hearts of hearts I hope somehow this lifts someone up, helps when you are in your loneliness of times. Thank you for listening and following me through this time in my life. I am truly lucky to have such a community to turn to. xoxox

Keep Shinning

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“If I were a flower. I would be a sunflower.
To always follow the sun, Turn my back to darkness,
Stand proud, tall and straight even with my head full of seeds.”
― Pam Stewart

I came across this quote over the weekend. If you know me, you’d know I love sunflowers and have a tattoo of one on my forearm. I feel like this quote really summed up how I feel about the flower and summed up why I got it tattooed on my body. The quote also came to me after I had a conversation with my soul sister about my life, my art and what it means to her and others. She said something to me that someone said to her and it really struck cord with me. She said I will never know how much I shine to others, what kind of impact I have on their lives, how what I do touches their souls and I will never fully know it because I am not in their heads/hearts. That all I can do is to keep up what I am doing, that I am making a difference in other people lives, bringing light, love, hope and inspiration. I need to not lose hope, to keep on going and know that I am shining.

What an amazing thing for someone to say to you. I had no response, I realized that no, I will never fully understand what impact I have on others. She described a painting I did that hangs in their house, what that paintings means to them and how it effects their lives. My painting. As I sat there listening to her talk I was having a conflict inside, trying to believe her, to really feel what she was saying and it was hard. How can a painting I did mean that much to someone. Then I thought, well, if it means that much to me and I pour my heart and soul into it then yes, that reaction is possible.

Having this conversation after last weeks post was perfectly timed. Its interesting to me how things seem to fall into place, how when I struggle and question I get my answers at the most unexpected times. All I need to do is keep my ears open and listen.

So after reading this I hope that you all are keeping your ears and minds open and coming to the same realization that I did. That we all shine, that we will never know how much we effect others, to keep on living from our hearts, our passions, keep on doing what makes us happy and that flame will shine brighter for all to see. xoxox

Insecurities

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My house is like my very own gallery, I have my work up everywhere. Even with them being up and seeing them daily I never really look at them. This past weekend I was in my living room staring at the wall that holds my 3 most favorite paintings. 3 paintings I am not sure I will ever be able to part with. 3 paintings that was truly intuitive, where my phoenix was born, they foretold my future. While I was painting the first one I felt like I had already painted it once before, that was one of the only times I ever had that feeling while painting. The first one is called Set Free which is 30” x 40”… showed me my husband at the time flying away from the nest. Wanting to be free from me and the life we built together. The second one called Returning which is 36” x 36” showed me how he was waffling on what to do. He didn’t know if he wanted to come back/stay married or if he would take that branch that was way closer to him, to truly leave and make it final. The third painting is called Solitude which is 24” x 36” which showed me being alone, but even though he had left I would be OK. I would be surrounded with beauty and love. I am still trying to figure out why I am blue in this one since he was blue in the other 2. But that is beside the point.

So I am staring at them, taking them in and getting overwhelmed. How can I ever paint like that again? How did I do it? How did those 3 paintings come out of me? How can I take that way of painting and teach it. Who am I to think I can do this, who would really want to learn from me. My demons were in full force. I was lucky to have someone there with me to help chase those demons away. But today is another day and guess what, they are back. I know I am not the only one who has had these thoughts. I have read other artists blogs talking about the same thing, the same feelings, no matter how long you have done this you wonder if you will be able to continue to produce beautiful soulful art.

It’s the whole idea of how I/we create art that is hard for me to grasp sometimes. There are no steps really, there is no formula that you follow every time. 1+1 doesn’t always equal 2. Its not like math or science or many other areas where you get the same results each and every time. Yes, teachers who teach art have broken it down into steps but if you do those steps each and every time, you will come out with something different. That is the beauty of it. Its all about feeling, emotion, pouring your heart and soul out onto that canvas. It’s being brave, taking risks, being vulnerable, baring it all and then putting it out there for everyone to see. For anyone to like it or not, it’s so subjective. Sometimes its very hard for me to grasp, to take a hold of and understand it.

Maybe its not something to understand and I need to just trust. Trust in my process, trust I am where I am supposed to be. Trust that I can do this, that I am the way I am (an emotional empath) because I am an artist. So this week I will work on my inner demons that are not serving me. I will move on like I always do. I will try to take off the added pressure I have bestowed onto myself that is also not serving me.

The reason why I felt like sharing this today was to show that we all have insecurities, we all have demons that we fight. I guess the big lesson here is how we move past those insecurities. How we move on despite the what our inner demons are telling us.

I leave you with this question.. How do you get past your insecurities? What do you do to push them aside and move on with confidence? Please share below, I would love to hear from you. Maybe together we can get past our insecurities together.

 

Set Free 30x40"

Set Free 30×40″

Returning 36x36"

Returning 36×36″

Solitude 24x36"

Solitude 24×36″

1 Year Later

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1 year ago this past Sunday the girls and I moved to our new home, our new life. Left everything we knew, our way of life as a family, friends, familiar places, an area where both kids were born, were our family was created and formed. As I sit here this morning thinking on this past year it amazes me how much has happened. Lots of good and some not so good. The divorce was finalized in August, it felt like we were divorced way before that but to the courts it was finalized in August. What excited me the most about looking back on the past year is that I am filled with such hope for the future. I feel like my life has just started in a way. I am in a much better space. I am discovering who I am, someone who has been dormant for a long while, someone I feel like in one breath I have not yet met but in the next is very familiar.

This past year was messy and hard, emotional and rewarding, I was pushing forward and taking steps back, lots of steps back but regardless of that still moving forward. So here I am, 1 year later. Join me as I look back and share some of what happened this past year.

I am currently creating my first e-course.. Me! A Teacher! Something I have dreamed about and fought at the same time. With hopes and dreams of expanding that to live workshops and classes. My girls are troopers and are doing much better with this new way of life and not having their father around. They have made friends, joined clubs, joined teams and put their all into making this their home and I couldn’t be prouder. I accepted what is and am much happier because of it. I have an amazing tribe of friends, ones that I see often and some not so often and virtual friends who I have grown to love just as much. Friends who have been there every step of the way, ones who were so supportive, let me cry, watched and supported me as I slowly fought my way back. I really couldn’t have done it without you. It takes me back to when I had a close friend come over and help me clean my house when I was in a very low place. I don’t think I will ever forget that. I have also met some amazing new friends, parents of my children’s friends, women who I enjoy being around. I am dating which is huge, after being with someone for 20 years I feel a bit rusty. But putting myself out there knowing I could get hurt again doesn’t scare me like I thought it would. I’m ready for the adventure. I had my art in a gallery and I now have it in a coffee shop. I am continuing my freelance graphic design work and am meeting some cool people. I am continuing my education on creating a creative business and how to make what I love to do be a bigger part of my life. I am not so lost anymore when my kids are with their dad for the weekend. I am on my way back to a healthier life. I went through a not so good phase of drinking way way too much, crying all the time, feeling suicidal, not seeing or feeling the hope. I finally got on meds that work which made a huge difference. The loneliness I have felt and still do feel sometimes is much better. I now can see what my marriage truly was and how it was not a marriage for a long while. I have learned to let go, to not get caught up with where I should be in my life and enjoying where I am. I’ve let go of my anger and everything else that came along with it towards my ex. Don’t get me wrong, I still have my moments of anger and sadness but those times of anger and sadness are occurring less and less. I’m still struggling with being a single mom, being the 1 caregiver, being on call all the time. Its hard work, work you’d do no matter what but still very hard, emotional and physically.

As I read this it puts a smile on my face. Its a great reminder to me of where I started, sadness, hopelessness, darkness, anger, betrayal, worthless, not lovable, not wanted, discarded, and shows me where I am now, hopeful, loved, excited, happy, wanted, strong, artistic, playful, energized and so much more. If someone would of sat me down a year ago and said, in a year this is all that you will be doing, I would not have believed them.

Thank you for going on this journey with me. I know its not over, but I am grateful for all of you who have been with me along the way supporting me and connecting with me. I truly love hearing from you and your thoughts.

So my question for you today is to first look back on your life this past year, what are all of the good things that have happened, where were you when you started in June and where are you now and were do you want to go? Sometimes that perspective helps you see that you have grown, you are further along than you thought. I know it helped me.  xoxoxo

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Update on “My Search for Representation”

Back in November I wrote a blog post called My Search for Representation. I created these cards with a photo of a piece of art with the info on the front and a short bio on the back. Here is a shot from that post…

Cards 1

So that month I started looking for anyplace that would display my work. I drove all over the place handing out my cards. I got great responses to my cards but nothing became of it. Then I posted on FB asking if anyone knew of a place that displayed local art to let me know. Well a friend of mine responded and told me about this coffee shop called Rev Coffee Roasters in Smyrna GA. So I took the road trip, it was about an hour from me, and I checked out this coffee shop. It was very cool, I loved the look and feel of it and left a card package. With in about 2 hours I got a call from the owner, they wanted to display my work. I was so happy! The first slot they had was July. I took it! As we all know, time flies by and I knew before I knew it July would be here. Well around the first of June I get a message asking me if I could do June too, someone backed out. Of course I say but I had some odds and ends to finish up on some of my pieces and it was going to be Riley’s birthday party that weekend so I couldn’t go until Tuesday maybe Monday. Originally I was going to scope out the place in June and take measurements so I knew what I had to work with. Since I was putting my work up sooner I didn’t get that chance to measure everything out so I ended up loading my car up with 12 pieces and went this past Monday to put up my work. I took my 2 girls with me and we arrive around 6:30pm. I thought it was going to be empty, not really, they had a good amount of people in there working, eating and drinking their coffee. Oh Boy, how was I going to do this, I didn’t have any idea what I was going to put up where. I started with one screen and had to move furniture around and got some work up… I ended up having to ask 5 people to move for a short while so I could put up my work. The customers were very accommodating and had no problem with me working in their space. I also had some people come up to me liking the work which of course felt real good. We ended up putting up 10 pieces. I had my girls help me with letting me know if the painting were straight or even or what ever they saw. It was really cool to share that experience with them. I moved some around and showed them why it worked one way and not another compositionally wise. I loved every moment of it and being able to do it with them warmed my heart. What a great way to show them to go after their dreams, that if you keep on trying something good will come of it. They are also aware of all the places I have gotten rejected from. Which by the way is much more than the acceptances. I hope they take my experience and go after their dreams when they grow up. No matter what the odds are, or how off the beaten track it is, to go after their dreams. So if your in the Atlanta area, stop on by Rev Coffee Roasters, enjoy their great coffee and some artwork!

As you know I love to end my posts with a question for you. What I would love for you to think about is what is that one thing you have always wanted to do. What dream did you have that you never acted on but still think about? What would fill your heart? Take that idea and run with it. Maybe its taking a higher education class in painting or pottery or what ever you have dreamt of doing.  I’m not saying to drop everything you are doing but to somehow take what fills your heart and incorporate it into your life. You never know where it will take you. xoxo

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The Perfect Storm

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So this past Sunday I went to visit a friend. As I drive to her house I notice the black clouds all around me. A huge storm is coming. Now I Love thunder storms, the pouring rain, (when I’m not driving in it) and the energy it brings. To my surprise when I get to her house she had planned for us to sit outside in the back porch area which is covered. I was so excited, I don’t have a covered area outside to sit under while it rains. We sat and talked and experienced the power of this amazing storm. The bright lightening, the demanding thunder and the fluid pouring of the rain. I loved the sounds of the rain hitting all of the different surfaces around us and the energy that was filling the air the more it rained and thundered. It just filled my soul. It must of stormed for an hour and wow was it energizing! If it wasn’t for the lightening I might of ran and danced in it. I’ve always loved storms, even when I was working outside in the theme parks during the hot summer months in Florida. We would get a quick storm each day around 3. Its like a releasing of sorts. The cleansing of the soul, making room for whats to come. As I sit here thinking about that storm it makes me think about what am I releasing, what am I making room for, what powerful energy am I bringing into my life.

So its Summer Break here in Georgia. The kids have been out of school for about 2 weeks now and the excitement of no school is starting to wear off. My usually work schedule is a bit off kilter, OK, way off kilter which is frustrating me. I am currently trying to release my high expectations of what I can get done in my week now that its summer break. As my therapist told me this week, this is one of the hard parts of being a single mom. So I’m trying to release these expectations and be ok with it, which is not an easy task for this perfectionist. That is another thing I need to release… Perfection, there is no such thing so why do I expect to attain it. Why do I have such high expectations of myself… Okay that may be a whole other conversation for another day. 🙂

So right now, today, this week, this month I am trying to go with the flow, living life one day at a time, no high expectations, no perceived notions on what I should be doing right now, what I need to be doing at this moment and can’t and beating myself up because of it. Trusting that what needs to get done will get done, maybe not right now, maybe tomorrow or next week. Trusting that once I release all of these unhealthy expectations all will fall into place.

Now that I am working on releasing all of that tension that has been building, what am I making room for? What powerful energy am I bringing into my life? I am making room for big change. Have you ever felt like you are on the edge of something big. Something that will take you to the next phase of you life? I feel that way now. It’s so exciting and scary at the same time. The whole idea if me teaching is scary to me but liberating. I have thought about doing it for years now just never felt like I could do it. I have had lots of hints from the Universe and I have recently given in and started that journey. What amazing energy it has brought to my life so far, the excitement, the learning and research, the new people I am meeting, the ideas of whats to come next, even though I have barely started creating this course. Seeing all the support I have, everyone who has faith in me and are happy for me is so heart warming and amazing.

So the next time it is storming outside think about what you need to release, what are you releasing at that moment in that storm, what intentions do you have for your future. What are you making room for, what powerful energy do you need to bring into your life. And if there is no thunder or lightening, go out in it and dance.

Welcome to my Studio

This week I feel like I made a big step towards my dream of sharing my love of art. I purchased a camcorder to record me painting, so I can share my process in my e-course. My goal is to time lapse me painting a piece from start to finish. How exciting! As you might know my ex husband is in the motion picture industry so video taping is right up his ally. Something I have no experience with. Something he always took care of. So here I am trying to figure out what camera would be good for me, what supplies I need and how do I actually do this! HA! I have not figure it all out yet but I did get a camcorder, batteries, memory card and a tripod. I am now trying to see if I have enough room behind me to actually have a tripod! I may need to make a shelf to put the camera on. We shall see. I need to do test shots to see what I have to work with space wise.

I am sitting here looking at what I have set up, looking at my studio, looking at where I was and were I am heading. Getting this camcorder was a big step for me. It was like I was telling the universe, here I am, I am doing this, no looking back now! And what do I feel? Excitement!  Every step of this journey so far has been filled with such excitement and fear. One minute I am so excited for what is to be and then the next I am so scared, what am I doing? What am I getting myself into? I don’t know what I am doing, I don’t know how to do this. Even with those thoughts I still have big plans for the future. Workshops, live classes, traveling the possibilities are endless really. So much hope. Hope… funny, that was the word I picked in January for this year.

So I leave you with photos of my studio, of my world, a world I live in everyday and one that I love. Where as my girls like to say… Where Magic Happens… I agree.

Welcome to my Studio…IMG_6589

 

My home.IMG_6584

Where the magic happens.

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The most Amazing Bean Bag!!! I have had many naps here. 🙂

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My Desk.

IMG_6585My Alter.

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