Monthly Archives: June 2015

Keep Shinning

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“If I were a flower. I would be a sunflower.
To always follow the sun, Turn my back to darkness,
Stand proud, tall and straight even with my head full of seeds.”
― Pam Stewart

I came across this quote over the weekend. If you know me, you’d know I love sunflowers and have a tattoo of one on my forearm. I feel like this quote really summed up how I feel about the flower and summed up why I got it tattooed on my body. The quote also came to me after I had a conversation with my soul sister about my life, my art and what it means to her and others. She said something to me that someone said to her and it really struck cord with me. She said I will never know how much I shine to others, what kind of impact I have on their lives, how what I do touches their souls and I will never fully know it because I am not in their heads/hearts. That all I can do is to keep up what I am doing, that I am making a difference in other people lives, bringing light, love, hope and inspiration. I need to not lose hope, to keep on going and know that I am shining.

What an amazing thing for someone to say to you. I had no response, I realized that no, I will never fully understand what impact I have on others. She described a painting I did that hangs in their house, what that paintings means to them and how it effects their lives. My painting. As I sat there listening to her talk I was having a conflict inside, trying to believe her, to really feel what she was saying and it was hard. How can a painting I did mean that much to someone. Then I thought, well, if it means that much to me and I pour my heart and soul into it then yes, that reaction is possible.

Having this conversation after last weeks post was perfectly timed. Its interesting to me how things seem to fall into place, how when I struggle and question I get my answers at the most unexpected times. All I need to do is keep my ears open and listen.

So after reading this I hope that you all are keeping your ears and minds open and coming to the same realization that I did. That we all shine, that we will never know how much we effect others, to keep on living from our hearts, our passions, keep on doing what makes us happy and that flame will shine brighter for all to see. xoxox

Insecurities

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My house is like my very own gallery, I have my work up everywhere. Even with them being up and seeing them daily I never really look at them. This past weekend I was in my living room staring at the wall that holds my 3 most favorite paintings. 3 paintings I am not sure I will ever be able to part with. 3 paintings that was truly intuitive, where my phoenix was born, they foretold my future. While I was painting the first one I felt like I had already painted it once before, that was one of the only times I ever had that feeling while painting. The first one is called Set Free which is 30” x 40”… showed me my husband at the time flying away from the nest. Wanting to be free from me and the life we built together. The second one called Returning which is 36” x 36” showed me how he was waffling on what to do. He didn’t know if he wanted to come back/stay married or if he would take that branch that was way closer to him, to truly leave and make it final. The third painting is called Solitude which is 24” x 36” which showed me being alone, but even though he had left I would be OK. I would be surrounded with beauty and love. I am still trying to figure out why I am blue in this one since he was blue in the other 2. But that is beside the point.

So I am staring at them, taking them in and getting overwhelmed. How can I ever paint like that again? How did I do it? How did those 3 paintings come out of me? How can I take that way of painting and teach it. Who am I to think I can do this, who would really want to learn from me. My demons were in full force. I was lucky to have someone there with me to help chase those demons away. But today is another day and guess what, they are back. I know I am not the only one who has had these thoughts. I have read other artists blogs talking about the same thing, the same feelings, no matter how long you have done this you wonder if you will be able to continue to produce beautiful soulful art.

It’s the whole idea of how I/we create art that is hard for me to grasp sometimes. There are no steps really, there is no formula that you follow every time. 1+1 doesn’t always equal 2. Its not like math or science or many other areas where you get the same results each and every time. Yes, teachers who teach art have broken it down into steps but if you do those steps each and every time, you will come out with something different. That is the beauty of it. Its all about feeling, emotion, pouring your heart and soul out onto that canvas. It’s being brave, taking risks, being vulnerable, baring it all and then putting it out there for everyone to see. For anyone to like it or not, it’s so subjective. Sometimes its very hard for me to grasp, to take a hold of and understand it.

Maybe its not something to understand and I need to just trust. Trust in my process, trust I am where I am supposed to be. Trust that I can do this, that I am the way I am (an emotional empath) because I am an artist. So this week I will work on my inner demons that are not serving me. I will move on like I always do. I will try to take off the added pressure I have bestowed onto myself that is also not serving me.

The reason why I felt like sharing this today was to show that we all have insecurities, we all have demons that we fight. I guess the big lesson here is how we move past those insecurities. How we move on despite the what our inner demons are telling us.

I leave you with this question.. How do you get past your insecurities? What do you do to push them aside and move on with confidence? Please share below, I would love to hear from you. Maybe together we can get past our insecurities together.

 

Set Free 30x40"

Set Free 30×40″

Returning 36x36"

Returning 36×36″

Solitude 24x36"

Solitude 24×36″

1 Year Later

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1 year ago this past Sunday the girls and I moved to our new home, our new life. Left everything we knew, our way of life as a family, friends, familiar places, an area where both kids were born, were our family was created and formed. As I sit here this morning thinking on this past year it amazes me how much has happened. Lots of good and some not so good. The divorce was finalized in August, it felt like we were divorced way before that but to the courts it was finalized in August. What excited me the most about looking back on the past year is that I am filled with such hope for the future. I feel like my life has just started in a way. I am in a much better space. I am discovering who I am, someone who has been dormant for a long while, someone I feel like in one breath I have not yet met but in the next is very familiar.

This past year was messy and hard, emotional and rewarding, I was pushing forward and taking steps back, lots of steps back but regardless of that still moving forward. So here I am, 1 year later. Join me as I look back and share some of what happened this past year.

I am currently creating my first e-course.. Me! A Teacher! Something I have dreamed about and fought at the same time. With hopes and dreams of expanding that to live workshops and classes. My girls are troopers and are doing much better with this new way of life and not having their father around. They have made friends, joined clubs, joined teams and put their all into making this their home and I couldn’t be prouder. I accepted what is and am much happier because of it. I have an amazing tribe of friends, ones that I see often and some not so often and virtual friends who I have grown to love just as much. Friends who have been there every step of the way, ones who were so supportive, let me cry, watched and supported me as I slowly fought my way back. I really couldn’t have done it without you. It takes me back to when I had a close friend come over and help me clean my house when I was in a very low place. I don’t think I will ever forget that. I have also met some amazing new friends, parents of my children’s friends, women who I enjoy being around. I am dating which is huge, after being with someone for 20 years I feel a bit rusty. But putting myself out there knowing I could get hurt again doesn’t scare me like I thought it would. I’m ready for the adventure. I had my art in a gallery and I now have it in a coffee shop. I am continuing my freelance graphic design work and am meeting some cool people. I am continuing my education on creating a creative business and how to make what I love to do be a bigger part of my life. I am not so lost anymore when my kids are with their dad for the weekend. I am on my way back to a healthier life. I went through a not so good phase of drinking way way too much, crying all the time, feeling suicidal, not seeing or feeling the hope. I finally got on meds that work which made a huge difference. The loneliness I have felt and still do feel sometimes is much better. I now can see what my marriage truly was and how it was not a marriage for a long while. I have learned to let go, to not get caught up with where I should be in my life and enjoying where I am. I’ve let go of my anger and everything else that came along with it towards my ex. Don’t get me wrong, I still have my moments of anger and sadness but those times of anger and sadness are occurring less and less. I’m still struggling with being a single mom, being the 1 caregiver, being on call all the time. Its hard work, work you’d do no matter what but still very hard, emotional and physically.

As I read this it puts a smile on my face. Its a great reminder to me of where I started, sadness, hopelessness, darkness, anger, betrayal, worthless, not lovable, not wanted, discarded, and shows me where I am now, hopeful, loved, excited, happy, wanted, strong, artistic, playful, energized and so much more. If someone would of sat me down a year ago and said, in a year this is all that you will be doing, I would not have believed them.

Thank you for going on this journey with me. I know its not over, but I am grateful for all of you who have been with me along the way supporting me and connecting with me. I truly love hearing from you and your thoughts.

So my question for you today is to first look back on your life this past year, what are all of the good things that have happened, where were you when you started in June and where are you now and were do you want to go? Sometimes that perspective helps you see that you have grown, you are further along than you thought. I know it helped me.  xoxoxo

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Update on “My Search for Representation”

Back in November I wrote a blog post called My Search for Representation. I created these cards with a photo of a piece of art with the info on the front and a short bio on the back. Here is a shot from that post…

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So that month I started looking for anyplace that would display my work. I drove all over the place handing out my cards. I got great responses to my cards but nothing became of it. Then I posted on FB asking if anyone knew of a place that displayed local art to let me know. Well a friend of mine responded and told me about this coffee shop called Rev Coffee Roasters in Smyrna GA. So I took the road trip, it was about an hour from me, and I checked out this coffee shop. It was very cool, I loved the look and feel of it and left a card package. With in about 2 hours I got a call from the owner, they wanted to display my work. I was so happy! The first slot they had was July. I took it! As we all know, time flies by and I knew before I knew it July would be here. Well around the first of June I get a message asking me if I could do June too, someone backed out. Of course I say but I had some odds and ends to finish up on some of my pieces and it was going to be Riley’s birthday party that weekend so I couldn’t go until Tuesday maybe Monday. Originally I was going to scope out the place in June and take measurements so I knew what I had to work with. Since I was putting my work up sooner I didn’t get that chance to measure everything out so I ended up loading my car up with 12 pieces and went this past Monday to put up my work. I took my 2 girls with me and we arrive around 6:30pm. I thought it was going to be empty, not really, they had a good amount of people in there working, eating and drinking their coffee. Oh Boy, how was I going to do this, I didn’t have any idea what I was going to put up where. I started with one screen and had to move furniture around and got some work up… I ended up having to ask 5 people to move for a short while so I could put up my work. The customers were very accommodating and had no problem with me working in their space. I also had some people come up to me liking the work which of course felt real good. We ended up putting up 10 pieces. I had my girls help me with letting me know if the painting were straight or even or what ever they saw. It was really cool to share that experience with them. I moved some around and showed them why it worked one way and not another compositionally wise. I loved every moment of it and being able to do it with them warmed my heart. What a great way to show them to go after their dreams, that if you keep on trying something good will come of it. They are also aware of all the places I have gotten rejected from. Which by the way is much more than the acceptances. I hope they take my experience and go after their dreams when they grow up. No matter what the odds are, or how off the beaten track it is, to go after their dreams. So if your in the Atlanta area, stop on by Rev Coffee Roasters, enjoy their great coffee and some artwork!

As you know I love to end my posts with a question for you. What I would love for you to think about is what is that one thing you have always wanted to do. What dream did you have that you never acted on but still think about? What would fill your heart? Take that idea and run with it. Maybe its taking a higher education class in painting or pottery or what ever you have dreamt of doing.  I’m not saying to drop everything you are doing but to somehow take what fills your heart and incorporate it into your life. You never know where it will take you. xoxo

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The Perfect Storm

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So this past Sunday I went to visit a friend. As I drive to her house I notice the black clouds all around me. A huge storm is coming. Now I Love thunder storms, the pouring rain, (when I’m not driving in it) and the energy it brings. To my surprise when I get to her house she had planned for us to sit outside in the back porch area which is covered. I was so excited, I don’t have a covered area outside to sit under while it rains. We sat and talked and experienced the power of this amazing storm. The bright lightening, the demanding thunder and the fluid pouring of the rain. I loved the sounds of the rain hitting all of the different surfaces around us and the energy that was filling the air the more it rained and thundered. It just filled my soul. It must of stormed for an hour and wow was it energizing! If it wasn’t for the lightening I might of ran and danced in it. I’ve always loved storms, even when I was working outside in the theme parks during the hot summer months in Florida. We would get a quick storm each day around 3. Its like a releasing of sorts. The cleansing of the soul, making room for whats to come. As I sit here thinking about that storm it makes me think about what am I releasing, what am I making room for, what powerful energy am I bringing into my life.

So its Summer Break here in Georgia. The kids have been out of school for about 2 weeks now and the excitement of no school is starting to wear off. My usually work schedule is a bit off kilter, OK, way off kilter which is frustrating me. I am currently trying to release my high expectations of what I can get done in my week now that its summer break. As my therapist told me this week, this is one of the hard parts of being a single mom. So I’m trying to release these expectations and be ok with it, which is not an easy task for this perfectionist. That is another thing I need to release… Perfection, there is no such thing so why do I expect to attain it. Why do I have such high expectations of myself… Okay that may be a whole other conversation for another day. 🙂

So right now, today, this week, this month I am trying to go with the flow, living life one day at a time, no high expectations, no perceived notions on what I should be doing right now, what I need to be doing at this moment and can’t and beating myself up because of it. Trusting that what needs to get done will get done, maybe not right now, maybe tomorrow or next week. Trusting that once I release all of these unhealthy expectations all will fall into place.

Now that I am working on releasing all of that tension that has been building, what am I making room for? What powerful energy am I bringing into my life? I am making room for big change. Have you ever felt like you are on the edge of something big. Something that will take you to the next phase of you life? I feel that way now. It’s so exciting and scary at the same time. The whole idea if me teaching is scary to me but liberating. I have thought about doing it for years now just never felt like I could do it. I have had lots of hints from the Universe and I have recently given in and started that journey. What amazing energy it has brought to my life so far, the excitement, the learning and research, the new people I am meeting, the ideas of whats to come next, even though I have barely started creating this course. Seeing all the support I have, everyone who has faith in me and are happy for me is so heart warming and amazing.

So the next time it is storming outside think about what you need to release, what are you releasing at that moment in that storm, what intentions do you have for your future. What are you making room for, what powerful energy do you need to bring into your life. And if there is no thunder or lightening, go out in it and dance.